Monday, April 24, 2006

how to circumvent the nsa wiretaps

there are many technical ways like voice encryption as well as non technical ways such as speaking in code to circumvent the nsa wiretaps but none is as easy and effective as the solution provided by falco aka william aka mini dizzleface; just start your conversation with the following words "all arabs are terrorists" and you will be good to go.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

SMBU week2

this week i weighed in at -2, not so surprising since i've been sick and didnt do any iron pumping.

i'm now even more focused.

THE LONELY PLANET GUIDE TO MY APARTMENT

ORIENTATION

My Apartment’s vast expanse of unfurnished space can be daunting at first, and its population of one difficult to communicate with. After going through customs and through the never ending hall, you’ll see a large area with a futon to the right. Much of My Apartment’s “television viewing” would occur here if My Apartment had a television. In happier times this is where the occasional making out with a girl (see “Festivals”) would happen. To the north is the food district, with its colorful cereal boxes.

WHAT TO BRING

A good rule of thumb is “If it’s something you’ll want, you have to bring it in yourself.” This applies to water, as well as to toilet paper and English-language periodicals. Most important, come with plenty of cash, as there’s sure to be someone with his hand out. In My Apartment, bribes are a precondition for doing business, they cut through red tape, serving as what’s called “speed money.”

WHEN TO GO

The best time to travel to My Apartment is typically after most people in their twenties are already showered and dressed and at a job. Visits on Saturdays and Sundays before 2 P.M. are highly discouraged, and can result in lengthy delays at the border (see “Getting There and Away”).

HEALTH

Rabies and athlete’s foot have almost completely been eradicated from My Apartment, owing to an intensive program of medication and education. However, travelers must still be wary of sexually transmitted diseases. While abstinence is the only certain preventative, it is not endorsed by the My Apartment government. Condoms and lubricants are available on most evenings (see “Medical Services”).


SOCIETY & CULTURE

The inhabitants of My Apartment tend to be insecure, stubborn and argumentative. This is likely the result of living under the thumb of a previous illegitimate dictatorship that dominated its citizens (see History). Since the breakup of 2003 and the ensuing rise of the new Commander in Chief, things have gotten a bit more democratic and the citizens have placed limits on executive power and privileges.

WOMEN TRAVELLERS

Women will be treated with the utmost charm and respect when the benevolent Commander in Chief is around, however if she happens to be absent, solo female travelers may be subjected by excessive unwanted male attention. Normally these men only want to talk to you, but their ramblings and agreeableness can quickly become tiresome. Don’t be afraid to be rude. Even a mild polite response can be perceived as an expression of interests. The best approach is to avoid eye contact, always wear a bra, and incessantly talk about your “fiancĂ©, Neil.”

THINGS TO SEE & DO

The South-facing section of my apartment has a breathtaking view of the adult entertainment complex, make sure to check out the observatory window to watch the people going in and out of it. The Bedroom District is where you can catch a Netflix movie three nights a week. The Northern Quarter is home to the very relaxing bathtub spa.

VOLUNTEER ORGANIZATIONS

Various international agencies can place volunteers in projects working on areas such as job training, doing my laundry, environmental cleaning, election monitoring, developing opportunities for young women, running to the deli for me, and therapeutic massage.

NIGHT LIFE

The music scene tends to vary greatly and seems to be only dependent on the mood of My Apartment’s inhabitants; they are sometimes embellished with impromptu live vocal performances but joining in the singing is however frowned upon.

SPORTS & OUTDOOR ACTIVITIES

My apartment provides water sports like dish washing, and bathtub cleaning and motor sports like vacuuming. Tourists will be expected to participate in at least one of the sports, any refusal to do so will likely offend the locals.

EXCURSIONS

A short trip in the southern direction will bring travelers to one of two unique Adult Centers, Les Gals and XXX Theaters. On your way back however, make sure to either be silent about the visits or bring something back. You may also want to check out the delicious market of foods and goods at Trader Joes. Again same rule as above, make sure to bring something back or be totally silent about your visit. Tourists are often sent around the corner to visit the ATM Machine in order to stock up for the rigorous financial demands of a trip to My Apartment.

WILDLIFE

In the summer you will be able to spot a few Philadelphian flies. You are encouraged to kill them and dispose of them as they are not part of My apartment’s natural flora and fauna.

Monday, April 17, 2006

hack of the day

one of the easiest and most enjoyable hacks i've ever done.

Transform a $3 pen into a $200 pen in just seconds. Mont Blanc pens are the worlds finest writing pens but they make specialized refills so you must buy their $200+ pens to use their amazing ink...until now.

it takes just two mintutes

i did mine with the g2 pilot, a pen even cheaper than the g2 pro.

mystery caller

last saturday you called me on an unlisted number around 6:30 and wished me a happy birthday; i was a bit tipsy and was in the middle of hearing the birthday song so we couldnt really talk but you were very sweet and sounded familiar. so familiar in fact that today i found out that you werent whoever i thought you were because that person called me this afternoon to wish me a happy birthday as she had not been able to do so this weekend.

if you read this blog, give me another call and let me know it was you.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

onion soup

when confronted with a menu i'm a sucker for two things; onion soup and creme brulee. i f i can read it on the menu, i will have to get those items no matter what kind of restaurant it is and no matter how full/broke i am. because of tax day, i'm now more broke than ever so i decided to take matters into my own hands and make myself an onion soup. it's not something you would do every day, but it's easy and delicious enough to do when having people over. here's the recipe with accompanying pictures for that one person out there who loves the soup as much as i do.

equipment
large, heavy bottomed pot
wooden spoon
ladle
ovenproof bowls


ingredients for four bowls, i scaled the quantities because i only needed two bowls for myself.
3 ounces/84 g butter
4 large onions
1 ounce/28 ml port
1 ounce/28 ml balsamic vinegar
1 quart/1.1 liters dark chicken stock (i bought mine at trader joes and supplemented it with bouillon cubes to give it a stronger flavor)
2 ounces/56 g slab bacon (cut in 1/2 inche/1 cm cubes
salt and pepper
slices of baguettes
6 ounces/170 g grated Gruyere cheese (the real deal imported Gruyere)



in the large pot heat the buter over medium heat until it is melted and begins to borwn. add the onions over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until they are soft and browned (a little less than twenty minutes). onion soups, unsurprisingly, is all about the oinons. make sure the onions are a nice, dark, even brown color.

 


increase the heat to medium high and stir in the port and the vinegar, scraping all that brown goodnes from the bottom of the pot into the liquid. add the chicken stock (i bought mine at trader joe's and supplemented it with chicken bouillon cubes). add the bacon (for those who cant eat pork, you can skip this step). toast your baguette slices in the oven with a little olive oil.

reduce to a simmer, season with salt and pepper, and cook for 30 minutes (cook for less if you've scaled the recipe to fewer than eight bowls, just make sure it's thick but still liquid).
 


when the soup is finished cooking, ladle it into the individual bowls. float two baguette slices side by side on top of each. spread a generous amout of cheese over the top of the soup. finally place the each bowl in a preheated oven set to broiler and wait till cheese metls, bubbles, and browns. serve immediately and carefully, you dont want to spill one of these things in your lap.

this was my final result, i burned the inside of my throat drinking my two soups, that's how delicious they were.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

skinny man bulking up

you probably havent heard of this but as the news junkie, it is my duty to mention the abominable things that are happening in this world; i'm not talking about the possible use of nuclear bunker busters against iran, or parasite hilton ruining hugh hefner's birthday party, no, i'm talking about steve vaught, the selfdescribed fat man walking who a couple of months ago, at the height of his 400 plus pound weight, decided to walk from san diego to new york and chronicle his journey on his website in order to lose weight.

so what right? that's what i thought but he's become america's new sweetheart; getting a celebrity welcome in whatever town he arrives, booking his talk show appearances, inking the deal on his story with hollywood, and even prompting a slew of imitators like the fat woman walking and the fat man biking. i mean this guy receives hundreds of thousands of hits on his website, while thanks to swooge i know i only get about five hits a day.

i'm not going to bash the man for trying to regain his life--although selling $29 tshirts that you know cost him two dollars and were made by a child in a sweatshop definitely raises some eyebrows--or question why he couldnt just go on a diet, what i am going to do is attack this story for what it is: BORING. what is this fascination with fat to slim stories in america? how many movies, documentaries, shows are going to be made about it? is it because it taps into the perpetual american desire to reinvent oneself, to transform oneself into something better? is it a small american dream? but in most cases of obesity, and definitely in the case of this walking fat man (after all he was a former marine), it is self-inflicted, it is bad diet, and no exercise. and there are many reasons why people end up with bad diets and no exercise which i wont get into right now, but which make this small "american dream" at least a bit different; it's not about becoming something better but about transforming oneself to what one was before.

let me propose a real american dream, this is my contract with my america, i will record my attempt at putting on some weight. each week i will weigh myself and report the results, right now i'm at weight 0. in three months let's hope i'm at weight twenty which would mean twenty pounds heavier than what i am right now.

for the record i would like to say that i've never felt the need or the desire to become some kind of muscle man. even though there are benefits to being big:
1) you are allegedly more successful with the ladies
2) you can lock up the nerds and the people skinnier than you in a locker
3) you can be a bit ruder to everybody around you
4) you can feel safer in dark and dangerous neighborhoods (here i come little iraq!)
5) am i missing something else?

maybe it's because i've never gotten knocked out by somebody bigger, or because i wont die a forty year old virgin that i've never felt bad about my body. in fact i feel just the opposite, i love the way i can fit in between slim walls, or hide behind a lamp or when i get locked out just wiggle myself under the door. it's crazy but in all seriousness i think i suffer from the opposite of BDD, i believe i can take on everybody and feel like a million bucks. it's only when i go to the gym, where i'm confronted with mirrors where my reflection shares a space with others that i realize that "hey i didnt know i looked like that next to people" or "i didnt know i was so tall" (cong i really didnt know!). in college i hated gyms because they felt depressing: it seemed that all the protein taking, dieting, sweating and flexing were just another form of homework.

but now i dont have any homework and enjoy the most free time i've had in five years, so for better or for worse i'll be attempting to gain twenty pounds. if on st patricks day though, you confuse me with the incredible hulk you will have been forewarned. and hmmm the tshirts are coming soon. the first ten people to order will get them at a discounted $27 of which two dollars will go to charity.

Monday, April 03, 2006

florida

tonight florida led by joakim noah, a kid who was just a 6'2 cocky but charming punk on my varsity team, became the new collegiate basketball champion.

if he went pro this year he could go as high as a number five pick. this means that he will be playing the game i loved to play for a living, this means that he'll never ever have any difficulty getting laid, this means he will be adored and followed by a legion of fans, this means that the morning after draft day he could go to an atm, withdraw all the money in it and his statement would show at least $3,000,000.

joakim if you happen to read this, get me tickets, pass me your leftovers, give me something, a signed basketball, a tshirt, a towel... i've always been a gators fan (chomp chomp), i always knew you'd make it. do you need a yes man? i can say yes in three different languages--fluently. you need a manager? i've got an econ degree from an ivy league school, supply, demand, i know it all. you need someone to keep the groupies away? i can do that, i can do that. you need protection? i was an ra and i got a sharp knife somewhere in my room that i can flip open really fast.

listen joakim i know it's been a long time, that's why we've got some catching up to do. call me.

ps i took the liberty to include in this blogspot the picture that is probably on your nightstand.

general update

first and foremost it looks like i won't be leaving the us just yet. right now it's just wait and see.

not surprisingly the whole affair kind of bummed me out and that's why i kept away from the blogosphere.

and since bad news doesnt come alone, i've also fallen sick and some other bad stuff occurred that's not appropriate for the internet. anyways things are on the up, i'm getting better, have plenty of plans, will keep you updated.